I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
