I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
