Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize