clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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