So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
