Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
did you just send me my own nude
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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