We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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