He passed out mid-signature
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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