where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
