Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize