Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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