If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
