i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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