I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
