ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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