and you said cock pushups were impossible
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
