and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
