He disabled his match.com account in front of me
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
