You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
