I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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