I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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