Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.

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(515): View more from Iowa

your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.

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(813): View more from Florida

Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.

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(917): View more from New York City

I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage

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