in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
