Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
