If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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