I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
