we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
