I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize