Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
