rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize