am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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