Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Randomize
