She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
