I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
