I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
