Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She told me I should be a condom model.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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