I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
