I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
