my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
