You can't special order awesome
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
