Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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