you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
