Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
