Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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