she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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