I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
