I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
