There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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