There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize