I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
