Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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