I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize