I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
