is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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