i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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