You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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