meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
