Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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