are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
