just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
