don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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