After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
