im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize