who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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