i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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