My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
