I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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