I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's blow job season.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
