i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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